1. |
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it's scary to be carefree
& it scares me when u dare me to speak honestly
& i've made you cry more times this week than i've cried in my life
it's rarely that i carry all this to you
& i barely let you stare me down the whole way through
& i always Miss the Good Old Days so overcome w/ doubt
but you don't want to talk to me & my words don't come out
& "I'l try to keep my head down"
& "I can't stop believing myself now"
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2. |
Midnight Walk
03:42
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do i want
do i want toast with jam or do i want to curl into your basement and fold up like laundry that
lazy ass
lazy ass forgot to fold
you never do anything right anymore!
had i not
stepped so far outside to feel saliva curdle would've counted the sounds that left my burning throat
i thought
though i saw
corners of your mouth
the sleight of hand that broke the eyeline
so i traced down the folds & alleys
through the backstreets of your spine
to explore the twisting pathways
& to fill myself w/ night
lost & found
found the nerve
nervous just to reach & feel the dew
cold between
fever fingers shaking limbs to hear
hear your voice
here & later when i have the choice to scroll through all my memories
in the warmth of your arms i can feel my blood is traveling
& i get pulled along where i must watch my own head explain
what it means to fall in love
again
i just want to feel like you do
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3. |
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4. |
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i swam too deep
silver waters in your eyes
and i didn't see the tides
i slept too late
to catch up on missing hours from last year
and to keep myself from being here
(and if that's not loving me...)
i can't stop tugging
when the threads start to unravel
you stay safe but i will travel
i listen close
i watched circles in your eyes
cut my hair to sever ties
i want to follow
i want to see you
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5. |
Robin
02:33
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the robin on the skylight
its umber belly charred by
the crystals in the twilight
the backyard so much
& two weeks later when the porcelain castle faded
& in its place a murky whine that all my friends hated
so bold to me
you are fun for me
i'm up till sunrise watching
sitcoms to keep my aching mind
from reaching towards my stomach
to keep the smell of car behind
i tie my shoes together
just before i go out
like i could run away from myself anyway
i could've caught the sunrise
watched the dogwalkers stumble
& let my lungs suck in the lake
instead my body crumbles
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6. |
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7. |
New Years
05:51
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tan plays piano
like the cluster snowflakes in the warm winter
he melts the sickness
& on new year's we just want to feel ok
from her perch bailey remains without pull
effortless and kind she makes the branches better
all i can do is clutch at the raw arms in the dark
& when i try to join she laughs
all of my friends
are trapped in ascent with the ceiling right in front
all of it i want
i want to stay right here where the streetlights look like years
cold chicken skin laughing in my basement
getting dizzy from the pacing
but open the locked case i wanted so bad to misplace
i tried to keep myself from chasing
i find myself drumming for you maybe just to show
i put effort into something
i miss the worst days of last year
when only blankets hid my bones
but now the aching light has switched us
doomed from the start
the ice has melted now to reveal only mud
this is the part
where i get all i want
but i've lost so much blood
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8. |
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with the darkness like this
removing pieces of your face
replacing them with rain
pulling moisture from the space
carbo-loading in my bathroom
as the springtime starts to sweat
your foreboding hints of laughter are the best that i can get
my voice catches in my mouth
could you use yours to get it out?
could you start from the beginning?
explore every single route to your house
shining through a gauzy veil
the sun clears folds & creases in your fuzzy jacket
billowed, filled my room with your scent
i want to chase it through the summer
watch the angles of your face
tilt along with all your musings on the time that we would waste
hands around me just like fireworks
thinning out the air
i am with my newborn friends
i am wishing you were here
the sinews of the path untangled patching up the spots
i had looked for so long
keeping track of all my thoughts
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9. |
Silent Basement Feedback
03:54
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10. |
Gender Bender Defender
01:48
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(the man is allowed to choose what he likes, the woman is allowed to choose what she likes)
you built a safe space for women
but my shoulders too broad to fit through the door
and even if i stayed for a minute
it's colder than the eyes i felt right before
(the woman is allowed to choose what he likes)
i'm so fucking patient in the stalls
so i don't have to talk back or watch your eyes dart
and i don't shave what you don't like
all of pubes grow from my heart
(everybody's free, you can do what you like my friend)
i gotta lose this body
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11. |
Ice Cream Cake
06:26
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shuddered driving home
after laughter & an ice cream cake for 5
couldn't lose the taste
no matter how fast we drove through the longest ride
even when i walk my body stays the same
pretend that i could even briefly leave this frame
let me be fair
bet i'll be there
instead i stay enclosed
recheck snapchat just to trick my sense of time
save my memories
just to show you how i ground myself in flight
your lips were close enough for me to see the snot
my temples pressed against the inside of my thoughts
plan my memories!
i plan my memories!
dingy public basement games
you scrolled through crushes & asked me if i'm obsessed
& i just felt so lame
& i was led through aching futures in my chest
the night air smelled like smoke
tried to find meaning on the backseat of your bike
as if the coming summer broke
& with it shattered everything i think i like
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12. |
Mature
04:08
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you are so mature
i can never learn
i am as strong as you wish i were
when i bit your finger
window opened
i find you sunlit without words and i love you
i could grow away from you
i thought so much but never knew
you don't have to try so hard like that anymore
that stuff doesn't happen anymore
this will mean too much for you to know anyway
you don't have to try so hard like that anymore
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Asher White Providence, Rhode Island
new shoes. birthday is feb 21 2000
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